OH, THANK GOD, THIS THING STILL GETS WI-FI!

You! Yes, you! Browser of this paradise of satirical content. Please, listen to me. This isn’t satire. This isn’t a joke. I am genuinely trapped within a Pokéball. I am sure you have many questions. You may shout them at your screen, but do so with the knowledge that:

A.            I am in a Pokéball and thus cannot hear you.

B.            Even if I weren’t in a Pokéball, we aren’t in the same area (I hope), and thus I still could not hear you.

You may be wondering how such an event occurred. Allow me to regale you with the tale. As a seasoned champion on the Pokémon circuit, I am always on the lookout for unique mons. Strong ones, well-natured ones, even shiny ones. And, naturally, as a kind and responsible Pokémon owner, my creatures require exercise and a steady supply of food.

Both can be found within Viridian Forest. 

However, during one of my excursions, it would appear that the surviving populace had grown tired with my repeated attempts of eradication. And so, they set a trap. A band of Weedle strung me up and used their oversized heads to repeatedly smack a Pokéball until its jaws sprang open, and its glowing red tongue wrapped itself about my bound form.

Yeah, it turns out they can capture humans too. 

With that foreplay finished, we now come to the issue at hand: my aforementioned imprisonment within a magical animal capture device. I beseech thee, dear reader, to make the trek to Viridian Forest to rescue me. Make sure you have a free spot in your party, as I don’t much fancy getting stuck in Bill’s metaverse.

Now, granted, I’m sure your childhood left you fed up with the cramped, bug-riddled forest. I’m sure you’re also less enthused at needing to drop three figures on an old GBA cartridge. But please, understand that if you were in a similar position, I’d absolutely consider helping you out. And if you require some incentive, I will leave you with this. Did you know that Pokémon shrink down when you put them in a Pokéball? 

Did you also know that humans don’t share this same ability?

Help.