STARDEW VALLEY – Tragedy struck the Stardew Valley community today, after ConcernedApe’s revealed upcoming marriage candidate Sandy would be locked behind completion of the JojaMart Route.

“You people make me sick,” ConcernedApe said in an impromptu livestream. “I tried to build a cozy, comforting game where you could relax and enjoy the finer things in life. A game that tried tearing down the sickness that is hustle culture and rampant capitalism. And what happened? You freaks nearly broke yourselves trying to 100% the game in less than two years. You meticulously planned each and every second of every single day. You spent more time reading the wiki than actually experiencing the game. And yet, despite all of that, you can’t bring yourselves to build a fucking warehouse!?”

The JojaMart route has often been the bane of many Stardew players, with many refusing to support the corporation’s expansion either due to ethical concerns or just sucking so bad at the game they can’t raise the funds. In contrast, players have frequently asked for a Sandy romance, on account of her fun personality and banging pixelated boobs.

“He’s really lost the plot this time,” said popular Stardew streamer Landyn Nimblebimble. “I’ve dreamed about building a life with Sandy. Running a farm, having kids, picking cactus out of our asses every single night. But not if it means subsidising a warehouse for a crappy company with piss-flavored cola.”

Discussions among the community to mod out the JojaMart requirements, or otherwise find another way of enabling the Sandy romance, have been met with some opposition.

“Don’t you fucking dare,” ConcernedApe wrote in a community Discord server. “I am memorizing your names as we speak. If you so much as think about subverting this, I will personally corrupt each and every one of your save files. You’ll never see a gold-star quality crop again. You’ll only ever fish up bags of trash. Shane will throw bottles at you as you walk through town. This is your only warning.”

At press time, ConcernedApe confirmed that he would personally pay $1,000 to any player willing to date Clint.