The Cooking Mama franchise turns 20 this year, and what better way to celebrate than to release a brand new game as a love letter to all the fans that supported the series for two decades? Well, that’s not happening, so I’m going to try to follow Mama’s directions in real life to make some food. 

May Kratos have mercy on my soul. 

Beef Steak

Start at the beginning, I guess. Beef steak from the original Cooking Mama. Should be simple enough. Step 1 is removing the tendon which I don’t see, so I’m just going to make a couple of light cuts here and there. 

Next, I’m supposed to add seasoning until the meter is full, but it doesn’t tell me what kind, and I don’t have a meter, so I emptied the pepper shaker on it. The minigame for pan frying is sort of a rhythm game where I occasionally change the temperature between low, medium, and high, then flip at certain points. The minigame lasted a little over 70 seconds, so that’s how long I cooked it.  

Total cook time: 2 minutes

Verdict: Bit too rare for my tastes. Could use more pepper. 2/10 

Ratatouille 

From Cooking Mama: Cook-Off, this recipe calls for tomato sauce, eggplant, cucumber, onion, red pepper, green pepper, and olive oil. I don’t have most of those, so I substituted ketchup, eggs, pickles, onion salt, Sweet Baby Ray’s barbecue sauce and another shaker of pepper. Chop the veggies, add them to a pan with olive oil, and stir fry. I ended up with a sort of sludge that I added to the pot of ketchup and cooked for about 30 seconds 

Total cook time: 2 minutes

Verdict: Looked and tasted the same when it came back up. 3/10

Rainbow Grilled Cheese

From the briefly available Cooking Mama: Cookstar, Mama celebrates Pride…maybe? I guess? Who cares, I’m gay, I’m celebrating Pride. 

Mama has me start by slicing bread, but since this is America, our bread comes pre-sliced, so I shake a Joy-Con at it and pretend I’m cutting it. Next, I grate some cheese…so buy a pack of shredded cheese. In the minigame, Mama throws incorrect ingredients at you while you’re adding the food coloring, so I simulated this by putting the cheese bowls on a lazy Susan with cans of vegetables and giving it a spin as I squirted the food coloring. 

Look, to be honest, the part where you’re supposed to arrange the cheese in a rainbow is very “draw the rest of the owl,” so I just threw it all on the bread, fried it in a buttered skillet for 30 seconds.  

Total cook time: 5 minutes

Verdict: Total disaster. Something’s not sitting well. Still better than Gordon Ramsay’s grilled cheese though. “Mom, I’m gay”/10

Nacho Mama’s Chicken

Somewhere between the excessive amounts of food coloring and the raw meat, I spent most of the evening in the bathroom, so I’m not going to bother switching games for the last one.

Crushed up some Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, added eggs, another shaker of pepper, motor oil, the Communist Manifesto, another shaker of pepper, and Nigella Lawson. Roll. Air-fry. Set self-destruct. 

Total cook time: threeeeeeeves

Verdict: chimkin 

Note: Kate was found passed out on her kitchen floor in front of the stove which had a charred Babysitting Mama plushie on the burner. She was rushed to her local hospital. She is expected to make a full recovery.