Whether you were a diehard Republican who willingly tossed your values and credibility aside after your party transformed into a cult, or just a total psychopath from the get-go, it takes a special type of ghoul to serve in Donald Trump’s second Cabinet. We can, by the furthest stretches of our imagination, understand the mindset of wanting adult minds to be in the room with him during his first term, but the guy has since organized and incited a coup attempt on his own government. There’s clearly no getting through to him, and every subservient cretin currently kissing the ring is fully aware of this. As such, here’s a list of the bosses in the most direct video game parallel we could think of, 1997’s Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, by their viability as members of Trump’s cabinet.

21.) Richter Belmont

If you defeat Richter the right way (wearing the Holy Glasses and attacking the orb behind him that Shaft is using to control him), he ends up showing remorse and accountability for the horrible things he’s done. Good fucking luck getting him on Trump’s Cabinet with that attitude.

20.) Medusa

She’s an attractive woman, which is certainly a plus in this ranking, but looking at her turns mortals to stone. You’re honestly telling us that Trump would be able to resist gazing lecherously at a female employee long enough for her to commit crimes against humanity? 

19.) Dracula

Get out of town. Dracula is smart, cunning, crafty, and resourceful. He’s everything Trump thinks of himself as but actually isn’t, and he’ll develop an obsessive, jealous hatred for him as he did with Barack Obama. There’s just no way.

18.) Cerberus

LOL. Have you ever seen the President with a fucking dog? Even one tasked with guarding the gates of Hell would be visibly unsettled in the presence of that makeup-caked monstrosity. It just wouldn’t work out.

17.) Gaibon and Slogra

These two seem pretty soulless and corrupt, but the cooperation they display while trying to spear Alucard puts them out of any meaningful contention. They might get actual work done instead of perpetuating bullshit culture wars and persecution fantasies. 

16.) Fake Trevor, Grant and Sypha

Again, these three function too well in concert to last at all in the current administration. You think the President has any desire to look over the detailed and analyzed blueprints they’d slap on his desk? Fucking nerds.

15.) Hippogryph

Trump might consider selecting this large, majestic bird, but we’re thinking he’d ultimately decide against it after it messes up his hair like that bald eagle did during his 2015 Time Magazine photo shoot. Too bad, because we obviously wouldn’t mind watching that thing claw his eyes out.

14.) Beelzebub

Yeah right, like the President would let some decomposing corpse into his tacky new ballroom. He’ll barely tolerate Susie Wiles in there. Dude has no problem ordering strikes that kill innocent people, but he sure as shit doesn’t want to be bothered by a glimpse of the aftermath.

13.) Granfaloon

This seething, writhing mass of damned souls might appeal to Trump a little more with its slavishness, but similar to Beelzebub, it’s likely just a tad too unseemly and smelly for him to tolerate.

12.) Akmodan II

A mummy? Are you kidding me? That sounds like some shit you’d read in a history book. You think the guy who ostensibly believes Hannibal Lector was real has any interest in history?

11.) Minotaurus and Werewolf

Another duo timing their attacks in relative harmony. Lame. They seem to be a bit more disorganized than the Gaibon/Slogra and Fake Trevor/Grant/Sypha combinations, and Minotaurus has a pretty cool axe that Trump would probably appreciate, but we still don’t think it’s very likely.

10.) Olrox

We don’t know, there’s something about the way Olrox presents himself that looks entirely too put-together, like he might start developing his own thoughts and ambitions at some point. Trump would be able to sniff that out, for sure.

9.) Karasuman

Karasuman is just some flying bat thing that you can defeat really easily by cornering and slicing with your Falchion over and over. Trump would get bored of this boss way too quickly.

8.) Galamoth

Galamoth is big and strong, which Trump likes, but he also might be too big and strong, which Trump may see as a threat. Honestly, we can see this one going either way.

7.) Lesser Demon

This guy seems like an acquiescent little worm, which Trump would find useful (just look at Mike Johnson), but he doesn’t have much “umph” behind him, which puts him further back on this list than he probably would’ve liked.

6.) Darkwing Bat

He’s majestic and beautiful, but probably more in the decorative sense than in the Cabinet sense. We wouldn’t be shocked to see him ousting Doug Burgum as Secretary of the Interior, but we’d be less surprised if Trump just asked Pete Hegseth to kill him and display his carcass in some garish, gold-plated case.

5.) Succubus

She’s well-endowed and wearing a corset. Need we say more? This one looks like an extremely high likelihood. The only potential drawback is that she’s clearly capable of making him her puppet, and some preternatural alarm might sound off in Trump’s lizard brain that would put him on high alert around her. This could result in an early firing.

4.) Death

He certainly won’t be able to grab Death by the pussy, but a robed figure that feasts on souls sounds perfect for this administration. We’re pretty sure an ecstatic Stephen Miller would talk Trump into making this hire. 

3.) The Creature

A big, strong, dumb oaf that mindlessly swings a barrel at you? This thing is a shoe-in. It’ll be shitfaced on Miller Lite pounders and ordering air strikes on Venezuelan boats in no time.

2.) Scylla

A total babe riding a couple snakes sounds perfect for this stupid fucking circus, and those two wolf-heads she’s perched in front of will ensure her safety from his myriad unwanted advances. She’s gonna go far.

1.) Doppelganger

Doppelganger will look exactly like Trump and mimic his every move. What better way to get in his good graces? We’ll all see just another bloated tub of orange pig shit, but he’ll be completely smitten by watching his favorite person in the world, himself, replicating his repugnant and dangerous behavior. This one is an absolute no-brainer.