With the first Metroidvania-style Castlevania in quite some time dropping this month, many fans find themselves hoping Belmont’s Curse will show itself to be an exemplar of the genre like past iterations Symphony of the Night and Aria of Sorrow. That’s all well and good, but it’s just not enough for me. As a diehard fan who’s followed the franchise for decades at this point, I feel I’ve earned the right to be a little selective. As such, I refuse to play it if it doesn’t have all 97 of these beloved Castlevania enemies.
- Beelzebub
This rotting corpse on hooks is an absolute must. I’d better see it.
- Great Armor
He’ll probably be there, but I’m insisting just in case.
- Knight
A classic. Pencil it in, Konami.
- Sir Grakul
It’s been a while since he made an appearance. Come on, he’s overdue.
- Iron Golem
Motherfucker looks like the Tin Man, and I like that.
- Roland de Ronceval
I don’t even remember this guy, so I insist on encountering him for what will feel like the first time.
- Skeleton Leader
Oh, you know he’ll be a perfect fit.
- Talos
Another knight? Of course. It’s not Castlevania if you don’t have a Christ-ton of these things.
- Camilla
She was in the Netflix anime! How could you not include her?
- Legion
I’m not bending on this. A floating ball of faceless ghouls is peak Castlevania.
- Succubus
And my obsessive crush on her has NOTHING to do with it. I just think she’s a great enemy.
- Aguni
Gonna be honest, I don’t remember Aguni at all, but that doesn’t matter because I’m holding the cards here.
- Barlowe
He looks like he belongs on a beer stein, which is cool as hell. I demand his inclusion.
- Bone Golem
Fuck yeah, he looks brutal. He’d better be easier here than he is in Rondo of Blood, though.
- Dogether
He’s actually kind of cute. I’ll feel bad slicing into him with my rapier.
- Hippogryph
Birds are obnoxious, and I regret putting him here, but since I refuse to admit when I’m wrong, he’s staying.
- Kirin
It doesn’t matter that he’s only ever appeared in Kid Dracula. I like him.
- Pazuzu
He was in the Exorcist! How could you not include him?!
- Peeping Big
I feel like he’s in a bunch of these games, so it shouldn’t be a big deal.
- Shaft
This could mean another inverted castle, which would rule. I should’ve put Shaft at #1.
- Rosa
She got a raw deal, only being featured in the N64 games. Bring her back.
- Wyvern
He looks like a Castlevania staple. I’m not being unreasonable here.
- Commander Olrox
I’ve always said the military should have more of a presence in these games.
- Lieutenant Brauner
He’s Commander Olrox’s brother, so I guess this is a nepotism hire.
- Joachim Armster
I’ve never played Lament of Innocence, but he looks like a total douche. I want to hate-fight him.
- Malphas
Goddamnit, I really need to stop picking birds and bird-like creatures.
- Lesser Vampire
Maybe the fact that she’s lesser will make her easier to beat?
- Pan
He’s one of the old gods! Not including him would be straight-up blasphemous.
- Necromancer
I hated fighting him in Circle of the Moon, but I really like saying his name.
- Doppelganger
Maybe I’m driven by ego, but I would love to fight myself again.
- Paranoia
He’s basically a medieval plague doctor with a little extra zazz. He’s needed.
- Maneater
He looks like a shitty 90s Metallica t-shirt design, which happens to fit my style perfectly. Don’t like it? Too bad.
- Princess of Moss
The more levitators, the better.
- Thunder Elemental
And he has to be optional, because lightning guys are always super fucking difficult.
- The Creature
Why does he have this name? Is Frankenstein protected by copyright? There’s no way he’s not in the public domain at this point. At any rate, he stays.
- Brauner
God, I’d love to beat the tar out of this posh fuck. Bring him on.
- Dracula
Well…yeah.
- Jason
Yeah, another Kid Dracula alumnus. Fucking sue me.
- Killer Doll
Another one of my few demands that’s not completely unreasonable. I can be quite accommodating.
- Sand Worm
It’s only fitting, what with Belmont’s Curse coming out the same year as a Dune movie.
- Zombie
Yeah, this was probably going to happen anyway. I really didn’t need to make the list this long.
- Two-Headed Creature
Nice, a Simon’s Quest enemy. Maybe next I’ll insist Belmont’s Curse is every bit as inscrutable.
- Slime
Oh come on, who doesn’t love a little slime?
- Medusa Head
I fucking hate these things, but I love aggravating other gamers. Worth it.
- Viper Swarm
We’ll need at least one ceiling-dwelling enemy.
- Schmoo
This disembodied head is cool as hell in Symphony of the Night. I know what I’m talking about.
- Devil
These guys are good for building XP, from my experience. Let’s do it.
- Richter Belmont
I don’t know how this would fit canonically, and I don’t care. I’ve made my decision.
- Merman
These guys are simply adorable.
- Skeleton Soldier
We all know it’s not a Castlevania game without the Skeleton Soldiers.
- Thornweed
I included this enemy because I’m an environmentalist. Maybe you should ask yourself why you didn’t think to insist upon its inclusion.
- Poltergeist
What other game franchise allows you to beat the shit out of a dining room set?
- Diplocephalus
Every Castlevania game needs a repetitive hallway with like six of these things in a row. It’s common knowledge.
- Flea Man
Yeah, this is another case of me wanting other gamers to be miserable. These guys suck.
- Toad
They sometimes drop pizza when you kill them, which fucking rules.
- Efreet
Non-negotiable.
- Wight
As necessary as the zombie.
- Maria Renard
Again, this may or may not make sense story-wise, but ask me if I fucking care.
- Skeleton Breeder
This guy actually looks like kind of a dirtbag, so I must be given the opportunity to fight him.
- Galamoth
Ugh, whoops. Another lightning enemy. My bad.
- Fake Trevor
Will we be playing as Real Trevor in Belmont’s Curse? I probably should’ve checked. Whatever.
- Werewolf
Meh, why not?
- Cerberus
I don’t like killing dogs. Therefore, he has to turn good so I don’t have to kill him.
- Giant Bat
True, he’s a bird, but he’s big, which makes him easier.
- Balore
But he can’t do that annoying energy beam thing from his eye. I didn’t like it.
- Khaos
He’s basically Castlevania’s Shang Tsung, so I need him there.
- Graham Jones
Every game needs a cult leader.
- Headhunter
Not many dagger-wielding head-switchers out there, so sign her up.
- Manticore
Because every game should have at least one character from Persian mythology.
- Ghost Dancers
These guys are just downright charming. It wouldn’t be Castlevania without them.
- Ouija Table
Maybe that’s what summoned Pazuzu? It would only make sense, so you can’t have one without the other.
- Skull Archer
Fucking obnoxious. Take that, all other gamers.
- Warg
A fire-breathing wolf? Yes please.
- Spin Devil
Yep, it’s an evil tornado demon, so no reason why it shouldn’t be included.
- Student Witch
Mainly because they’re easy. I’m not very good at video games.
- Une
See #75.
- Mollusca
They’re deceptively difficult, so I feel like I’ve offset the last two. I refuse to take accountability this time, though.
- Yorick
Comedic relief is always needed, and this enemy loses its head then chases after it. Classic.
- Catoblepas
Like the Medusa Heads because it can turn you to stone, but at least it doesn’t do that wavy, rhythmic flying.
- Yeti
He’s a snowman, in case the game gets delayed into December.
- Tombstone
Like above, but for a timely October release.
- Mini Devil
See #49. These games need more cuteness.
- Treant
Similar to the thornweed, we’ll need a strong plant presence.
- Waiter Skeleton
Maybe I’ll be able to charm these guys into serving me more pizza in case the Toad doesn’t follow through.
- Buer
I truly don’t know what these things are. I require further exposure to study them.
- Lilith
I know this one’s a bad idea, but I’m pretty sure she’s transfixed me.
- Killer Clown
We definitely need something to stand out and make us think “what the fuck is that doing here?”
- Guillotiner
Again, I have no idea what the hell this thing is. I’m including it in the interest of science.
- Draghignazzo
Basically, I think it has a cool name, and that’s enough for me to hinge my purchase of Belmont’s Curse on its having been included.
- Needles
It’s a sea urchin, and I like uni. Gaming is hungry work.
- Bone Pillar
Admit it, you love taking these heads out one-by-one. Or don’t. Doesn’t matter to me. I’m the one calling the shots here.
- Wakwak Tree
Because the only thing worse than a Fleaman is a tree that perpetually grows them. Suck it.
- Malachi
This enemy looks like something Lovecraft left on the cutting-room floor. I’m a fan.
- Cave Troll
Oh great, another electric enemy. I’m going to be the only person who likes this game.
- Larva
Woof, these guys are gross. They deserve to be included.
- Fish Head
Again, I like seafood.
- Ukoback
I’m closing it out with another obnoxious enemy just to spite you, the reader.
There you have it, Konami. Were you taking notes? I certainly hope so.
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