GG Tribune’s Guide to Creating Strong Female Characters

Women.

Love them, hate them, or feel like you are entitled to one despite the serious flaws deep within your soul, women are here to stay. Considering their continual dominance of the planet, their dangerous sporting abilities, and their necessity as breeding platforms, GG Tribune believes we should boost their morale by including more of them in our video games.

But of course, we know our readers. You don’t know how to write a female character. You’ve probably never even met a woman. Thankfully, we have. So long as you follow our trusted, patented guide, we promise you that your next Steam release will have something for everyone to drool over.

Personality

Humans are deep, flawed, and often contradictory individuals. No two are alike, and each draws upon their own breadth of experience, culture, and trauma to interact with the world around them in unique and captivating ways. You might think that, when writing a woman’s personality, you need to follow such a philosophy.

Throw all of that in the trash.

Women occupy one of three primary archetypes: bubbly cheerleader, cold advisor, or girl next door who will totally kiss the hero when we hit act three. You can save time, money, and respect by choosing one of these pre-written archetypes. For our more advanced writers, you can also consider mixing them around. A cold advisor who steadily falls to the hero’s non-existent charm? You’re not just writing. You’re creating art.

Body

Look, I’m not going to give you the same speech I gave in personality. Sure, humans look different. But if you want a strong female, there’s one slider in the character creator you need to concern yourself with: boobs. Maybe ass size if you know your audience, but primarily boobs.

“But Amity, surely there are other factors we should consid-”

Nope. Boobs. Know how Lara Croft got that amazing rack? Not from some woke snowflake who sees women as something more than a nice trophy to spend five minutes alone with. She got those back-backing gains from a brave soul who grabbed hold of the tit slider and rode it straight off the edge of the monitor.

Framing

Cinema might have been born in France in 1895 thanks to the efforts of the Lumière brothers, but it peaked with the release of 2010’s Mass Effect 2 and their bold choice of this particular camera frame:

Tits. Ass. Face, but only if she’s looking like she wants to throw you on the bed. If she’s talking, the legs will do fine. Keep the camera focused on these specific areas for maximum woman.

Backstory

Listen, we know you’re busy. Hell, we really appreciate in this modern world of attention-sucking algorithms that you took the time to click the link and visit our website. To reward you, I’m not going to go into detail here. Just pick one of these prewritten backstories for your female character and have fun:

Woman has estranged relationship with her father after losing her mother. Father never showed her any affection but is somehow fully redeemed by the end of the story with a twist that he actually loved her all along.
Woman makes discovery that threatens humanity/changes everything we’ve ever known. Everyone is dismissive of her, especially her boss. Only the hero believes her. The boss makes a begrudging admission of her being right at the end of the story, fully redeeming him.
Woman is ostracized from her career after making a controversial claim. Becomes exceedingly bitter until a talk from the hero causes her to revert to a more passive personality. Vindicated by the end of the story.
Woman thinks hero is sexy after seeing some cool trick he did. Proceeds to sleep with him. We never see woman again.