As we celebrate Star Wars Day this year, it’s important to remember that, while the franchise holds a special place in the hearts of millions of diehard science fiction fans and casual moviegoers alike, every one of its characters lived a piteous, vile life through never having bathed in the everlasting glory of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. As such, these ancient  inhabitants of a faraway galaxy have all unfortunately long since passed on, and at this very moment are enduring the righteous torment awaiting every being who was never born again. Let’s take a look at five of these poor, damned souls.

Obi-Wan Kenobi

That this noble Jedi served as a moral guide to Luke Skywalker is of no consequence, as our behaviors are secondary to our beliefs, and the miserable wretch is currently having his tongue pulled out by a frenzied horde of Lucifer’s unholy adherents. What a drag! You may be confused by this, as Obi-Wan’s seemingly at-peace spirit appears in the films after his death, but these are disgusting, godless lies that Satan is telling you to pull you from the Right Hand of the Father. For the sake of your everlasting salvation, resist!

Chewbacca

Can you imagine the tortured wail this giant, lovable Wookiee is unleashing as red-hot pokers are inserted into his eye sockets, simply because he had the audacity to exist eons before, and lightyears from, Christ the Redeemer? It must suck! Lamentably, it is too late to save this sad creature, but there’s still time for you if you cast your doubts aside, fall to your knees, and beg His forgiveness for having watched this Kashyyyk native revel in his own ignorant iniquity!

Padmé Amidala

As if being wed to the future Darth Vader wasn’t enough, Padmé is now forced to subsist exclusively on demon excrement while remaining submerged in a tub filled with hungry maggots. Oof, no thank you! If you don’t want to end up like Padmé, we strongly recommend prostrating yourself before the Son of God and taking of His flesh and blood. This may very well be your last Star Wars Day, so do it now before it’s too late!

Finn

What, you thought having left the Stormtroopers and joined the Resistance would spare Finn from the agonies of ceaseless hellfire? Haven’t you learned anything from this article? Hate to break it to you, but he was just forced to castrate himself with a dull, rusty spoon for the third time today. Yikes! We bet he’s wishing he had had the good fortune to be born in the Milky Way right about now! Why are you still reading this? Repent, and pray that your Creator finds it in His infinite wisdom to welcome you into His bosom!

Jar Jar Binks

This one doesn’t really seem to hit as hard as the others. There are any number of characters we could’ve listed here, so we’re not entirely sure why we went with Jar Jar. Honestly, who cares? We can’t imagine his perpetual anguish affects you that much. Still…accept Jesus Christ into your heart and all that.