WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump, in an ongoing attack against the head of the Roman Catholic Church, has said Pope Leo XIV is a “Total Lightweight” against the Assassin Brotherhood. 

Taking to his Truth Social platform, Trump posted about the Holy Father. 

“Pope Leo XIV, like his beloved White Sox, is a TOTAL FAILURE,” The President wrote. “This Woke Pope is no match for the cunning Assassin Brotherhood. The Strong and Sexy Ezio Auditore da Firenze(who has already killed Pope Alexander VI like a dog!), will make quick work of this new MUCH WEAKER-Especially on crime!-and TOTAL LIGHTWEIGHT pope. Thank you for your attention to this matter! – President DJT”

The Vatican released a statement rebuking the president, and denying the existence of the Assassin Brotherhood.

“It is the opinion of the Church that President Trump should think before speaking on matters of theology,” The statement reads. “As far as this ‘Assassin Brotherhood’ is concerned, the Church denies any knowledge of such an organization, and again would advise Mr. Trump not to speak on matters on which he is totally ignorant. Finally, Ezio Auditore da Firenze, a lone assassin, will face God’s justice for his innumerable sins, especially Assassin’s Creed: Revelations.”

President Trump responded to the statement during an executive order signing in the Oval Office. 

“Such a nasty pope,” Trump said. “If Leo were nicer to Trump I would offer to handle their little assassin problem. Oh well. It’s just- it’s-it’s just a shame. It’s very shameful. Almost as shameful as how they treated all those poor children they let get abused. I would never do anything like that. I am not a pedophile. But these priests- they- boys- they just get to be around all these beautiful and sexy children, and no one thinks anything of it.” The president looked wistfully out of the Oval Office window before shaking his head and saying, “I should have been a priest.”

At press time, the Vatican had reported an Apple of Eden had been stolen by parties unknown.