WASHINGTON – The American political system was dealt another wounding blow today as a poll of every single American revealed that rookie cop Leon S. Kennedy is the most popular public figure to carry the surname, and it’s not even close!

With 100% of 350 million people reporting, and after several recounts, the hunky hero secret agent proved more popular than previous presidents, senators, and star of the recently revived-and-killed-again “Clone High” cartoon. When reached for comment, the charismatic zombie hunter only quipped, “What is this, some kinda popularity contest?” to an ecstatic crowd of onlookers.

The news came with its detractors. Current head of Health and Human Services, and host of a first-generation plagas parasite, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. brought up the agent’s multiple incursions into other countries without congressional approval, as well as his staunch anti-science leanings that have curtailed American bioweapon development for decades, 

“This Kennedy is nothing like my sainted ancestors,” Robert Kennedy said as centipedes crawled from his ears and into his mouth. “And he can’t hold a candle to me, a proud patriot and parent of a brood of unstable abominations that need only the precious T-virus to become god-beings…which will eventually trickle down to the American people, just as was always…intended.”

Even those within Leon Kennedy’s agency weren’t entirely convinced, including one agent who spoke on the condition of anonymity.

“You know he did nothing to stop the destruction of Raccoon City, right,” the anonymous agent said as he wept into the phone. “He’s just a cop. No task forces or special appointments. I punched a fucking BOULDER and shot a would-be undead dictator with a rocket launcher! But oh, you shoot ONE beloved spouse without explanation until it’s much too late, and suddenly everyone’s got opinions on who is or isn’t cool! Have you ever heard of the Spencer Mansion? Of course not, everyone wants to talk about floppy hair and uniforms. You know he married someone he met when she was a teena-” unfortunately, the call cut off there, and we weren’t able to re-establish it through our liaison, Ingrid Hunnigan.

Regardless, those detractors are the vast minority as America, and the world, finally found a completely unproblematic Kennedy with absolutely no skeletons in his closet to stand behind, right?

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…RIGHT?