I was pretty surprised when I got an invitation to this year’s E3 in the mail. After all, we’re a brand new website. And we’re not real journalists. And I was pretty sure that E3 was dead. But apparently the event wanted as many guests as possible this year, so I made sure to document things as thoroughly as possible: not just the games and events, but what it was like to physically be there in the middle of E3. Hopefully this review will let you feel like you were really at the show too!

Check-In: 10/10

I expected a slow start: waiting in line, going through security, checking in and getting your badge … it’s boring, but it’s what you do at big events like this. When I arrived, though, the convention center was empty. I thought something was up, but once I entered the halls they were as crowded as I expected. I must have arrived later than everyone else. But that’s OK, I still had the thrill of being here, at the actual E3! Gamer Heaven itself! My flight to Los Angeles was like a pilgrimage to Mecca and some kind of religious thing at the same time. As I crossed through the doors of the convention center and saw all the banners hanging inside, it was like I had left my old life behind and stepped into a different world.

StarCraft: Ghost: 8/10

This year at E3 Blizzard showed off StarCraft: Ghost, a stealth game spin-off of StarCraft! I got to try it out, and it was a real treat to finally see what this classic science fiction setting was like on the ground. This was actually a game Blizzard worked on a long time ago but later cancelled. They even showed it off at E3 20 years ago. It’s kind of weird to see it at E3 again after so long, but whatever. First game I tried was awesome, let’s keep going.

Battlecry: 4/10

Bethesda’s new hero shooter, on the other hand, was a huge letdown. Maybe it’s just not my kind of game, but with so many other multiplayer titles out there I just don’t think things are destined to end well for this one. I feel like I’ve heard about this game before too, but there have been like a million hero shooters. Oh well, not going to let one bad game ruin my experience. I’m still at E3! Nothing but happy thoughts.

Sony’s Conference: 10/10

Sony’s E3 showing was amazing. I got to play Wolverine early and see some footage of the upcoming God of War series. The conference itself was a little weird. Some guy went on stage and said “Two ninety-nine.” Everyone applauded, then he left. Not sure what that was about, but enjoyed it all the same. It’s a great year to be a PlayStation fan!

Swag: 10/10

It’s not truly E3 unless you grab as much random free stuff as you can from every booth in sight! I got tons of the usual shirts and pins, but special credit to those who got a little more creative with their offerings. My favorite was the giant knife I got from the Capcom booth for some reason. I guess it’s for Resident Evil Requiem, maybe? It’s a real knife, so we’re clear, not some kind of prop. Not sure why they’re giving out fully functional weapons to everyone who passes by, but whatever. This is E3, baby!

Food: 3/10

The food at the Los Angeles Convention Center sucks. It’s a bunch of low-quality convenience store garbage like hot dogs and tacos that you practically have to sell your soul to afford. Everything is stale, too. I nearly broke a tooth trying to bite into what passes for a pizza crust in here. What, were they trying to sell this stuff last time? I heard the food trucks outside the center were better, but when I tried to leave I couldn’t find the exit. It’s a big hall and I’ve been wandering for a while, must have lost track of where I am. Oh well, that’s a problem for the end of the day.

Drinks: 10/10

The alcohol available at E3, though, is excellent. They had this cool bar that served all kinds of different gaming-themed cocktails. I’m not sure what the “Lotus Nepenthe” was meant to reference (Fire Emblem? I’ve never played Fire Emblem, is that a character?), but I must have drank like five of them. The bartender was really cool too, I thought I was going to bore him with all my video game talk but he was happy to listen. Eventually I pulled out my wallet and he just said “It’s already been paid for.” What a nice guy!

This Lady: 9/10

With every booth at E3 competing to catch your eye, you see a lot of interesting costumes. I wish I could praise them all, but the highlight was this woman’s terrifying getup. Words fail me here, but I think the picture I took speaks for itself. I asked her her name and she said “I am Tolmalok, goddess of the underworld. You traveled all this way to be buried in a temple of trivialities, and that is what you shall receive.” I think she was promoting a From Software game.

Nintendo’s Conference: 2/10

I thought for sure that Nintendo would have some good reveals this year, but instead Satoru Iwata just talked for an hour on stage about market paradigm shifts. This was a little weird, since if memory serves Iwata quit Nintendo a while back to pursue a new career of being dead. Not really sure how he was here. It better not have been AI. Then he walked away without showing even a single game. I don’t think we’re getting Super Smash Bros. 6, guys.

Acoustics: 4/10

E3 is noisy. Can’t complain about that, I expected as much going in, but no matter where I was at the time, the sound of one booth seemed to win over all the rest. It sounded a little bit like…chewing. Just a big set of teeth gnawing away at something wet and fleshy, forever. I tried to cover my ears but the sound just got louder. And I wouldn’t care except I have no idea what these awful noises are supposed to promote. Is the DLC for the new Doom here already?

Accommodations: 1/10

Guests at E3 are expected to stay at one of the nearby hotels, which would be fine except I had a bit of trouble getting back to my hotel. In fact, I couldn’t seem to leave the convention center at all. I wandered around for ages but I couldn’t see a door anywhere. I tried to check the map in my brochure but everything was written in a language I had only ever read in my dreams. Eventually I gave up, locked myself in a bathroom stall, and did my best to ignore the chewing noise and fall asleep on the toilet. At least nobody else ever came in to bother me.

Floor Planning: 5/10

Kotaku’s list of what to pack for E3 didn’t include a way to accurately measure the dimensions of a room, but I do know roughly how long it takes me to walk a mile. So the next day I set a timer and just went straight. One mile later, and there’s still a wall nowhere in sight. Just a bunch of weird booths for exhibitors I’d never heard of before. Does anyone know what games “Infotornix, Ltd.” made?

I don’t want to jump to conclusions. They’ve been doing this a while, maybe they’ve just learned how to make really efficient use of the space. But I think something might be wrong here.

Microsoft’s Conference: 1/10

Phil Spencer gave a speech about how the Xbox has been a massive success. Something is definitely wrong here.

Booth Babes: 9/10

Sorry, feminists, this year the booth babes of E3 were back in full force! But don’t let the booty shorts fool you, these ladies are true professionals. By the time I started running down the halls, screaming about how I was trapped and begging for somebody, anybody, to help me, nobody reacted at all. All the booth babes just kept smiling and asking if I wanted to take a picture with them. Gaming, unlike my psyche, is healing.

Foodfight!: 10/10

Did you know the famously terrible animated movie Foodfight! was supposed to have a tie-in game? Did you know it was playable at E3 once? Well, here it is again. That’s all this show is, the ruined remnants of E3s past. So many cancelled games, all this hard work from who knows how many people, that got to exist just long enough that they’d fully understand what would be taken from them when they were strangled in the womb. This is a labyrinth of failure, and I am at its very center.

What about all the other people here? What’s their deal? Wish I could ask them, I’ve established they’re not much for conversation. My first thought was ghosts, but E3 wasn’t that long ago. If these are real people most of them must still be alive. Maybe some sort of…living fragment of memory? I don’t even know what I’m saying. I’m not a scientist. I’m not even really a writer. I have a headache.

You know what’s crazy? I don’t know if this is true or I’m just saying it because I can feel my brain rotting from the inside, but the Foodfight! game is the greatest platformer I have ever played in my life. If it wasn’t cancelled it would have been a shoe-in for Game of the Year and Banjo-Kazooie will forever feel like dogshit now.

LET ME OUT

LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LE T MEO UT LET ME OUT LE T ME OUT ELT ME OUT LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LET ME OUT MELT OEUT LE T ME I TO LE ME OUT LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LET MEO TU LET EM OUT LE MT OUT LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LET MEOT UNE LET ME OUT N KE T  LE MT OUT LET ME OUT LE TMNEI HT OUY LJE ME OUT LET MEO UT ME ME LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LE TM EOUT LET ME OUT

Cleanup: 10/10

So fucking tired can’t sleep on the toilet only eat 12 dollar hot dogs THE CHEWING WON’T STOP everyone else keeps going on so happy laughing at me must be assholes think it’s funny to do this to me think they can keep me here forever wandering wandering no wall no door no wall no door I’LL MAKE A DOOR I’LL CUT A HOLE i have a knife thank you capcom booth take the knife raise the knife hand on shoulder turn around.

“I’m gonna have to ask you to leave,” said the security guard. “We don’t allow people in here when there’s no event.” I looked forward again, and saw only the empty halls of the convention center. No guests, no booths, an empty fist where I could feel the handle of the knife just a second ago. I don’t know how they did it, but everything was gone.

All in all, E3 was a blast. I got a little grouchy near the end, but that’s pretty normal for big events like this. I can’t wait to come back next year!