Picture this: you’ve been henching for your entire career. Most of your life has been dedicated to your supervillain boss with a questionable animal theme. You’re proud of the work you’ve done standing around outside various evil lairs and generally looking threatening in order to intimidate your boss’s enemies. You’ve been beaten up by superheroes more times than you can count. You’re a goon, and that will never change. But now, suddenly, in the year 2026, something strange has happened: Gen Z-ers on the internet have invented the term ‘gooning’ to describe the act of getting horny and edging themselves for prolonged periods of time. What the hell, right? Who are they to besmirch the noble act of true gooning, in the classical sense? Well worry not – the below guide will serve as a helpful how-to for taking back the words ‘goon’ and ‘gooning’ and returning them to their former glory. 

Step one is to educate the youngsters on what it looks like to be an actual goon. To brandish a club, to say ‘uhh, I don’t know about dis one, boss’ in a thick New York accent, to lean against the door of a hideout all cool-like. Once Gen Z has seen that gooning is a fun and lucrative career path and a noble profession, they’ll stop using the term for their perverted little freak-offs. Demonstrate that what you do isn’t something to be mocked, but to be admired. Update your resume and your LinkedIn with your goon-related accomplishments. Post pictures of yourself on the job so that the world can see what it’s like for day-to-day gooners. Hold Q&A sessions at local colleges, universities and job fairs so that younger generations can learn more about what it takes to be a full-time goon and rethink their wanton usage of the word as a vulgar, disgusting act. 

Step two is to recontextualize the word ‘goon’ in casual conversation. Remember the whole ‘like a boss’ trend from the early 2010’s? Why not start ‘like a goon’ and spread it around via word of mouth? Even better, use it as a greeting for your friends and co-workers: “what’s good, my goon?” has a nice ring to it. The more you can do to minimize the current context of ‘goon’ as slang, the more successful you’ll be. Once the masses begin to associate the word with something positive, you’ve already won the battle. You can even try getting a hashtag like #ProudGoon to trend on social media so the word spreads even faster. 

Finally, step three is to shame people online and in-person for improper and disrespectful usage of the word. Gooning has a long, proud history, but those who have never stepped into your size 12 Bruno Marc shoes will never be able to authentically goon. It’s stolen valor, simple as that, and it’s time to let the people know. The masses would never disrespect firefighters like this, nor social workers, so why do lifelong henchmen get the short end of the stick? It’s time to put a stop to the ‘insolence’, as your boss would say. They’ve always known all those big, fancy words, and it’s time you started using them too. Go out into the world and reclaim what’s yours! 

If what you’re reading is relatable to you, we hope that we’ve done a good job of describing just a few of the ways that loyal goons across the world can take back the respect and dignity of the job. If you can take a punch from a hero, you can take what you deserve! Let’s put an end to the childish use of ‘gooning’ as it currently stands and make gooning great again.