COLLINSVILLE, Ill. — Local sports bar, Sparky’s Bar and Grill has come under fire recently, following a visit from an adventuring protagonist who noted the establishment’s complete lack of side quests.

“You learn to deal with all kinds of interesting people at a job like this, but I never had a main character come in before,” mused bartender Sarah Fisher. “As soon as he approached the counter, he told me he was looking for work. I said he could fill out a job application online, then he asked if he could kill the rats in our basement. I’m pretty sure we don’t have rats and I know for a fact we don’t have a basement. After that he asked me if I’d heard any rumors. I think Lorenzo has a new girlfriend, but when I told him that he just rolled his eyes, said ‘That’s not a quest!,’ and asked again if I’d heard any rumors.”

Reviews for Sparky’s within the protagonist community are almost universally negative, noting both the establishment’s lack of amenities as well as the poor quality of the service itself.

“Once he was sure I was out of rumors, he finally sat down and ordered something,” continued Fisher. “But all he’d say is ‘ale.’ That doesn’t really narrow it down much. Eventually I poured him a lager just to see if he would notice. He didn’t complain, at least, but then he pulled a bunch of random junk out of his pockets and laid it all out on the bar. Apparently, he wanted to sell all his stuff to me and then use my money to pay for the beer. We don’t really do that here.”

Ultimately, the customer departed from the bar unsatisfied.

“In all my travels, I have never seen an inn of such ill repute!” scoffed renowned adventurer BADASSKILLER. “No quests, no merchant … not even a bard to entertain pilgrims with songs of old! Instead, they line the walls with strange screens of crystal, scrying images of games of sport. I ought to complain to the local lord about this. Unless … of course, this is the quest! I’m meant to investigate the awful secrets this tavern is no doubt hiding! Rest easy, villagers, this experience is as good as earned!”

At press time, BADASSKILLER had returned to Sparky’s but was promptly arrested after crouching and attempting to steal everything in sight from the bar.