Alright, when I came to Hyrule on this little weekend excursion, it was under the impression that I would be able to spend my time however I pleased without being bothered. Fast forward just a few short hours, and I’m already having some very hurtful and, in my opinion, factually incorrect insults hurled at me. For the record, skulking into Zora’s Domain with my Wilson Combat NULA Model 20 and skillfully nabbing one of those huge fucking fish right between the eyes is just an impressive demonstration of hunting prowess, and in no way is it murder.

Look, was I a little taken aback by the intelligence of the other giant fishes that ran up to the one I had shot, sobbing and screaming “you’ve murdered him! You’ve murdered Prince Sidon!” while cradling his lifeless head in their arms? Yes, I was, but black bass have demonstrated the capability to distinguish between colors, and you bet your ass I’ve bagged quite a few of those in my day. That’s basically what these things are, just larger and bipedal with the ability to speak English, so you’re not going to guilt trip me by saying I’m a killer. Frankly, you sound ridiculous. There’s just no way these things have thoughts, dreams, or emotions. They’re probably just mimicking the desolate wailing of grieving humans they’ve observed. Oh, they’re also beginning preliminary funeral arrangements? Yeah…that’s probably just mimicry too.

I’ll even be the bigger man here and admit that I probably shouldn’t have also hit that smaller fish standing by the corpse of the one I had just taken out. I mean, it’s definitely not a “child” like you’re repeatedly insisting, but I’ve definitely taken more ethical shots in my life, and I apologize for that little misstep. There’s no need to involve any sort of law enforcement or lone vigilantes, though. I’ve seen how that quiet blonde guy in the blue tunic looks at me, and I don’t like it. I’ve still got plenty of cartridges in the chamber, so he’d best step off, because I don’t consider him human either. Not with those ears.

Are we done here? I’m getting the vibe that there’s no institution in place to formally charge me for anything, as if it would be warranted in the first place, which I think I’ve pretty clearly outlined that it wouldn’t be. Not that this is in any way an admission of guilt, but how about I just leave this area entirely as a conciliatory gesture? I’ve already spent far too much time here anyway, and I’ve been wanting to head north to Death Mountain. I heard there’s these gigantic grizzly bear things that are definitely not sentient, and there’s no way I’m heading home without hauling one of their carcasses with me.