LOS ANGELES. – Authorities were called to Netflix headquarters this morning, after wrestler-turned-actor, Dave Bautista, was spotted in the building’s parking lot, revving a Lancer chainsaw and begging to be cast in the streamer’s upcoming film adaptation of Gears of War.

“Come on, Cliffy B says I can do it, let me play Marcus Fenix, you cowards,” Bautista was heard shouting before revving up the chainsaw. “Come on. Someone please answer me. I turned down other roles to be in this movie and you’re just going to turn your back on me like I don’t exist? Please. It’s either this or a Kalshi commercial, and I sure as hell don’t want to be in a Kalsi commercial with Chalamet.”

Bautista lingered in the parking lot for over an hour in hopes of finally securing the role.

“Are you worried I’m too weak? I got shredded for God of War and I can keep it on for Gears,” Bautista shouted while flexing and waving the sci-fi gun around. “I know it can’t be my age. You made The Irishman work with all those old farts in the cast. Throw some CGI on me, I don’t care. Just let me play Marcus Fenix. Please, Ted [Sarandos]. I see you in that window, Ted. Make the call. Come on, Ted.”

Officers disarmed Bautista as he wept face-down on the concrete.

“With the industry in the shape that it’s in, we are seeing a lot more cases like this,” said arresting Officer Ray Ferguson of the LAPD. “A lot of established actors out here, doing whatever they can to avoid Kalshi ads and doing Verticals. Poor bastards. Just last week we dragged in Brie Larson after she took some Nintendo employees hostage, while she showed them that she was perfect to play Samus Aran because she could naturally curl up in a ball. Real sick shit going on in Hollywood right now.”

At press time, Bautista’s agent at WME confirmed that his client had just booked an unannounced Vertical series.