DENVER, CO — Sources have confirmed that Nicholas Squirrel, a local claims adjuster and amateur speedrunner, has unearthed a new strategy that he believes will secure him the world record for getting to work on time.

“For the longest time, the speedrunning community thought the Any% for going to work was airtight,” explained Squirrel as he opened his bedroom window. “The shower skip, not getting dressed, running all the red lights … it seemed like every strategy had already been found. But I found a brand-new exploit. Everyone assumed you had no choice but to go down the stairs of my house, but it turns out you can just tank the fall damage!” Squirrel then leapt out the window, breaking both of his feet. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! OH GOD! FUCK! Anyway, as you can see, this method gets you out of the house much more quickly. You do lose some time … ow … walking to the car like this … ooh that smarts … but it’s still faster for the run overall.”

The discovery has quickly transformed Squirrel into a celebrity among work speedrunners everywhere.

“Nick is a model employee,” praised Squirrel’s supervisor, Tom Gideon. “Not only is he extremely punctual, but I truly admire the creative thinking he’s brought to this company. Every day, he’s recommending all sorts of new ways that we could be working faster. Not better, mind you. I keep having to tell him this job is ‘100% glitchless,’ whatever that means. Still, we’re so proud of the work he does that we’re willing to pay for the health insurance of a man who horribly injures himself every day.”

Despite already earning the world record, Squirrel still believes there are ways to further optimize his run.

“I’m pretty satisfied with the start of the run,” said Squirrel as he limped into his cubicle. “But there’s got to be a way to improve my time with the workday itself. I tried working faster, but they just gave me more to do. I think the assignments are procedurally generated and can’t run out. You can clock out early, but that can really only save about five minutes tops before you get a game over. I hope I’m wrong, and I’m not giving up yet, but I think you might really have no choice but to wait out the full eight hours. It’s speedrunning King’s Quest III all over again!”

At press time, Squirrel was attempting a backwards long jump in the office elevator to take him home instantly.