Tampa, Fla. — WWE parent company TKO announced during a shareholder meeting celebrating their record breaking profits that they will now require the wrestlers on each show to buy a ticket in order to enter the arena. 

The company’s latest profit maximizing measure was met with a chorus of piped-in cheers and woos as it was announced by CEO nepobaby Ari Emanuel.

“We’ve really hit upon a new revenue source here, one that hasn’t ever been tried before in the history of sports or entertainment. And as we all know: an idea being new and novel is vastly, vastly more important than whether or not it’s good,” said Emanuel from atop his pile of golden parachutes “While we may have experienced some small growth thanks to increasing ticket prices by over 100 percent, making the shows more advertising than wrestling and strong arming talent to take a pay cut on contracts that were already agreed to, it’s not enough. We have sexual assault lawsuits to bury.”

WWE talent was less-than-thrilled, with one speaking on the guarantee of anonymity even going so far as to call it, “Absolutely the last straw,” while paying for a series of tickets at once to save time later. 

“I swear, if they pull three or maybe like four more stunts like this, I’ll seriously consider walking out for a couple of weeks before I just do what I’m told like a good little boy who just wants to make daddy proud. Like why can’t we fight this on any level? What if there was some way we could…I dunno bargain, but, like, collectively? I just don’t think that’s even possible or been tried before…” the ruggedly individualistic talent opined before being pulled away by the ghost of Hulk Hogan. 

Chief Creative Officer Paul “Triple H” Levesque had other thoughts.

 “You know uh…it’s like…we…need to find ways…to uhm…you know…keep the revenue uh…coming…for instance, I just uh…signed a deal…worth far more than uh…my last one…that money’s uh…gotta come from uh…somewhere…everyone’s…gotta make…sacrifices…did you know I know RFK, Jr. now? Also I’m uh…totally still in-charge…” he trailed off, counting the zeroes on his new deal while doodling little iron crosses around his signature.

At press time, Emanuel was seen begging The Rock to stop trying to be a real actor again so he can get a cheap pop to make fans temporarily forget how evil the company is.