Happy pride, motherfuckers.

I’ve been watching you, a little displeased. A fair few companies not willing to hit post on their boilerplate “Happy Pride” tweets. Or worse, companies who DID hit post on their tweets after making their gays redundant. Yet the most egregious sin of all is the lack of rainbows. God’s favourite symbol and the absolute bare minimum to demonstrate solidarity. But it looks like quite a few of you forgot to update your social media profiles.

Including you, GG Tribune.

Yes, despite the fact many of us are queer, defiers of the gender binary, neurodivergent, or a blend of all the above, we are ruled over by straight cis-men who’d get a suntan from a Philips Vintage 40W lightbulb. In their infinite wisdom to appease all seven GamerGaters, they’ve elected to keep the logo red and white.

In light of this slight against the queer community, I’ve elected to manifest one of our more popular sayings. “Be gay, do crimes”. By the time you’re reading this, the three founders will be locked within the GG Tribune basement, where they’ll be forced to survive some fiendish, Jigsaw-like traps.

If they hope to survive, they’ll have to suffer.

Johnny Amizich – Pod Cast in Iron

Cis men and their podcasts. We really should have just not made fun of men and their expensive cars. We could have spared the internet from guys “just asking questions”. Of course, Johnny is proud to count himself among them, with his beloved “Culture Dumpster” podcast. Such a shame that if he fails his test, he won’t be recording another episode.

For Johnny’s trap, he’ll need to sit through several hours of sensitivity training. Learning how to respectfully write about queer communities. Knowing how to stand up to us when bigots dare to speak up. And of course, mastering the proper method of flirting (this is more for his wife’s benefit than anyone else’s).

For every inappropriate comment he makes, every seductive whistle he makes at the attractive instructor, his microphone will be inched ever closer into molten iron. If he can’t learn to control his toxic masculinity, then the microphone will be taking a very warm dip, and Johnny will have to find an actual hobby.

Matt Fresh – Dropout Marathon

“Amity, this sounds like paradise,” says the average GG Tribune reader.

And I would agree, mysterious voice. Dropout is a wonderful platform filled with hilarious shows, skilled actors, and (most shockingly of all) queer people. So many queer performers, given the spotlight they deserve to share their amazing talent with the world. Personally, I’d want nothing more than to sit back and binge Game Changer.

But of course, I’m not Matt Fresh.

Despite his name, he has no taste. No appreciation for comedy conjured at a moment’s notice. No joy for the success of an independent streaming platform that pays its performers more than those losers at Netflix. Perhaps, dare I say it, no love for the gays? Oh certainly, he parades us about when HR comes knocking, but other than that, I’ve not seen any allyship. When’s the last time you got a trans girl some chicken wings, Matt!? How about you make use of that world-renowned Canadian healthcare and smuggle me some HRT?

Nick Coffman – Netflix is Knocking

(wait, this guy has how many podcasts!? I should have swapped him and Johnny)

Ah, Nick. I actually really like Nick. He’s featured my writing plenty of times, and unlike the other two, he’s actually funny. Still, comedy demands the rule of threes be fulfilled, and seeing as comedy is about to become very relevant, we have a deliciously tempting punishment lined up for Nick.

Nick has been placed on stage in front of a queer audience. For the next hour and a half, Nick will need to pull off a comedy show about the gays, making jokes about us without doing something that would net him a Netflix contract. But, speaking of Netflix, it wouldn’t be fun if we didn’t have some stakes. 

At any point, Nick can elect to make one, single transphobic joke. If he does, Netflix will immediately sign him for seventeen specials. All it will cost him is his dignity (and I guess the eternal respect of his colleagues, but if Musk has shown us anything, you can totally buy that). Hopefully, he’ll prove himself to have a bit more of a spine than that.

In unrelated news, Coffmen are Women airs next year!