MIAMI — A chaotic situation has been resolved with limited injuries after Kirby accidentally swallowed a Make-A-Wish kid at Jackson Memorial Hospital.

“Jeremy always loved playing the Kirby games,” said Ronald Weyland. “When our son got his diagnosis and was given one wish, he wanted to meet his hero. Kirby was gracious enough to come all the way from Dream Land to surprise him. Kirby used his powers to suck in a bunch of fruit and rocks. Jeremy wanted so much more, though Kirby got too excited and swallowed up Jeremy, the bed, and hundreds of thousands of dollars of medical equipment.”

Kirby feels upset about what happened at the hospital.

“Words cannot express how sorry I am,” said Kirby. “I underestimate my own strength sometimes. He was just so happy to see me, and I was hungrier than expected. I know I could have responded better to his parents screaming and crying in terror. Next time, I won’t just get the hell out of there on my warp star. I’ll try to comfort the family. It only took me a few days to run into a Waddle Dee I wanted to defeat. I spat Jeremy right at it and the kid was right as rain! I brought him back right away. No harm, no foul. Right?”

Jeremy is back at the hospital and is in a cheerful mood over the whole experience.

“It was so cool,” said Jeremy. “Kirby is so cool, and I loved being able to get out of this hospital bed to go on a little quest in his belly. There were so many other creatures and fruit in his stomach. The doctors say I’m making a good recovery but they are not going to let Kirby back in the pediatric unit ever again. I hope I get to do another Make-A-Wish and see if I can get John Cena and Kirby to fight each other!”

At press time, Jeremy Weyland is in stable condition and his doctors say he is progressing well towards recovery. Kirby has been blacklisted from both the Make-A-Wish Foundation and Jackson Memorial Hospital.