TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — The Florida Department of Education has passed a bill replacing the entirety of all high school history curriculums with 1991 NES sidescroller Bible Adventures, sources report.

“Schools in the great state of Florida have been subjected to the whims of the woke mob for far too long,” Florida Commissioner of Education Anastasios “Stasi” Kamoutsas told reporters. “No longer will residents of this state have to worry about their children learning made up liberal nonsense like slavery, the COVID-19 pandemic, or the Trail of Tears from their teachers. This bill ensures that history classes teach students everything they need to know going forward, including but not limited to historically-accurate Bible stories which feature fruit-throwing monkeys and carrying a baby Moses over your head while trying not to drop him into the Nile River.”

Concerned parent Susanna Angelos reacted to the news.

“I don’t even know why I continue living in this goddamn state,” Angelos sighed. “It’s hard enough for my kids being the only ones in their classes without measles or the whooping cough, but now they won’t receive anything even remotely resembling a history education. Just last week I learned that the chapter on the Civil Rights Movement had been blotted out in my son’s textbook, and his teacher told him that there were ‘very good people on both sides’ of World War II. I didn’t think it could get any worse than that, but now he’s going to be playing some horrible bootleg video game every day where you pretend to be David throwing acorns at bears on your way to fight Goliath.”

Education expert Cameron Golner weighed in on the situation.

“I didn’t think Florida could surprise me any more, but this is insane,” Golner said. “Normally, I’d say at some point the federal government would have to step in and intervene, but they would probably consider Bible Adventures to be too high-brow for history class and effect some policy that’s somehow even dumber. It flies in the face of everything that I believe in, but I truly think at this point we should just consider the state’s future to be a lost cause. I mean, it’s going to be completely underwater in a few years anyway, so it’s not like it’s a huge deal, right?”

At press time, the Florida Department of Education had decided to add Turok: Dinosaur Hunter to its history curriculum.