WASHINGTON — Reports of increasingly panicked and unstable demands for reclusive bioweapons developer Oswell Spencer to appear before Congress and testify were shot down as being related to the supposed death of Mitch McConnell.

“We just want justice to be served to my good friend and close confidant Ozman Cobblespence, so that we can finally get to the bottom of these issues of zombification that have been causing so much turmoil in the low-class blue states. It has nothing to do with Mitch. He’s fine, doing beautifully, he’ll be the perfect specimen soon and I’ll fucking nuke that stupid mansion off the planet if Oz isn’t here in 5 minutes…” the President rescinded his threat to literally use a nuclear weapon on American soil shortly thereafter, and was put down for a nap because he was getting cranky.

RFK, Jr. devoured an entire opossum with his powerful mandibles, before vomiting up the skeleton of a different, unrelated mammal, and muttering.

“Just another…dose is all we need to achieve it. Perfection is within our grasp, and we won’t be denied, Oswell. You made promises to us, to new gods, and we would see them…fulfilled,” to a disinterested press corps that refused to press for further clarification on the grounds it could cost them precious access.

Congressional Democrats expressed that they weren’t angry, simply disappointed in Republicans’ continued use and abuse of experimental bioweapons to achieve some measure of immortality or the next stage in human evolution. 

“The only VIRUS Republicans should be worried about is the BLUE VIRUS that will give us control of Congress, at which point we will convene a committee to talk about the logistics of finding a temporary solution to the zombie-ravaged parts of our country that grow unchecked as we furtively consider maybe coming out in-support of abortion and trans-rights.” Chuck Schumer smugly tweeted.

At press time, Republicans were reportedly seen wheeling a zombie-like monstrous creature out of an underground lab, proving that McConnell was back to his old self.