SAN FRANCISCO — Following the Trump administration’s executive order to investigate anti-Christian organizations as terrorists, Supergiant Games has updated Hades II to remove every single character from the game.

“The Bible makes it clear. ‘Thou shalt have no other gods before me.’ That’s what Jesus said, in plain English,” said Paula White-Cain, head of the White House Faith Office. “Beneath the cute art style and addictive gameplay, this game’s cast is composed entirely of foreign pagan idols, an insult to all the good hard-working American citizens who only want to receive Boons from one god, thank you very much. These California liberals have effectively made a game that Christians, real Christians anyway, aren’t allowed to play. And the law is clear on this. If I’m not allowed to play your video game, you’re a terrorist.”

In response to the government’s demands, Supergiant has since released an administration-compliant update that removes every single reference to Greek mythology. “We’ve made a lot of changes, but we still think the game is really fun,” explained Hades II director Greg Kasavin. “Instead of the old main character, who I’ve been legally advised to not mention by name, you now play as an invisible camera exploring our beautiful backgrounds. You can really appreciate the design of each room a lot more when there are no enemies to offend the eye. And of course, players still have a choice of two paths. You can go underground and explore all kinds of secular, mundane structures built by regular people, or you can go on the surface and travel to Mount Olympus, a real mountain in Greece with nothing of interest at the top.”

Reaction from fans has been mixed. 

“Yeah, I guess it’s kind of boring now,” complained Hades fan Simon Callas. “At first, I thought it was awesome how much dialogue each character had, but now that I’ve heard all the lines the game has to offer there’s not much reason to keep playing. Still, the new update’s not all bad. I can do a 32 Fear run no problem now. And of course, it’s worth it if they’re not insulting Christians anymore. I tell you, if I knew the first Hades was insulting me the whole time I was playing it, I never would’ve bothered to get every achievement!”

At press time, the updated version of Hades II was under investigation for removing Charon’s shops in a clear display of anti-capitalist bias.