SAVANNAH, Ga. — Misguided Sega Dreamcast fan Isaac O’Hara took the system’s bizarre controller cord attachment as an indication that he should affix his new CPAP mask to his anus, surprised and disgusted sources report.

“I finally got around to doing a sleep study after years of not getting any restful slumber,” O’Hara told reporters. “I was diagnosed with sleep apnea and given a CPAP machine to wear overnight. I didn’t really open the manual that came with it, because it seemed pretty explanatory. As a huge Sega Dreamcast fan, I knew that the tube for this thing needs to come up between my legs and be attached to an orifice. It didn’t seem like it would be a good fit on my urethra, so I attached it to my anus. It’s going to be kind of uncomfortable trying to sleep with this thing stuck up between my butt cheeks, but so was the Dreamcast controller during my first few playthroughs of Shenmue, and that remains one of my all-time favorite games to this day, so I’m sure I’ll get used to it in no time.”

O’Hara’s wife Stephanie had doubts that he was operating his new machine correctly.

“I mean, I’m not a sleep expert or anything, but isn’t that thing supposed to go on his mouth?” she questioned. “I don’t see how having a CPAP machine blowing a steady stream of air into your asshole is supposed to help you sleep better. I brought this up to Isaac and he just started talking about how he thinks the Dreamcast port of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater is better than the original, so I guess I’ll just stay out of it and hope that I’m worried for no reason. I’m just concerned he might fart in his sleep, because that thing’s going to blow it right back into his body and poison his digestive tract.” 

O’Hara’s doctor Zuri Adala was taken aback by his actions.

“I gave Isaac specific instructions on how to use his new CPAP machine, and he goes and does this,” Dr. Adala sighed. “I should have known something was up when he wanted to know if I had ever played Crazy Taxi 2 after I asked him if he had any questions. I mean, I have, but that was over twenty years ago and certainly not germane to the discussion we were having, so I told him I had never even heard of it in the hopes that he would get his mind back on track. Upon hearing this, though, I can see that that was a fruitless endeavor. I’m going to have to call him back to my office to give him another tutorial, but I’m not hopeful that he’ll be able to shut the fuck up about the Sega Dreamcast for long enough to get anything out of it.”

At press time, O’Hara was seen trying to wedge the CPAP machine’s hose into one of his neck folds so he could sleep more comfortably.