HYRULE – Newly unsealed documents have revealed that Jeffrey Epstein’s real estate holding company attempted to buy the Kokiri Forest located in the south of Hyrule. The forest is known for its Kokiri inhabitants who are ageless yet always appear to look like human children.

“This is shocking and upsetting,” said The Great Deku Tree, the guardian of the Kokiri Forest. “All the Kokiri are my children and under my shade they are granted safety and harmony. We do not allow adults into our realm for that reason. The unmonitored Deku Scrub network of traders and barterers does not speak for our sovereignty. I have ordered a thorough investigation into who would dare try and sell my land and people for rupees. Whoever did this will be banished into the Lost Woods forever.”

The King of Hyrule denied any involvement in the latest scandal to hit the kingdom.

“I respect the independence of each realm in our lovely kingdom,” said the King of Hyrule while his advisor Ganondorf whispered into his ear. “Tourism to Hyrule is an important industry. Why would someone want to buy a land full of children when there is a land full of beautiful, single Gerudo women? If anything, people should invest in the Gerudo desert. I don’t think real estate investors in Hyrule are looking to traffic children like Jeffrey Epstein has been falsely accused of.”

Jeffrey Epstein associate, real estate mogul, and President of the United States Donald Trump was asked for his opinion on this latest revelation.

“Kokiri! We love them don’t we folks,” said Trump. “They look like kids and they got fairies. I never had a fairy. One Skull Kid came up to me once with tears and his eyes and offered me his. And I said, ‘No thank you, the flute you are playing is pretty fruity, don’t you think?’ I’ve never been to the Kokiri Forest. But I have visualized a big beautiful nine-hole golf course where that old sleepy tree is rotting away. Too old! Too sleepy! The tree at least, as well as those Kokiris that are able to escape the forest and grow up to get the Master Sword. You need all the spiritual stones to access the Sacred Realm and the sages guard it. Nasty people, those sages. Very mean to Trump. I asked if me and Jeff could buy the Kokiri forest and they said no! But I know how to make a deal, don’t I folks? And the king and I struck a bargain. Drilling starts tomorrow.

At press time the popular right-wing engagement account, Libs of Jabbu Jabbu’s Belly, posted that they obtained more classified files that will be selectively released showing pictures of King Zora attending a Goron bris with Bill Clinton.