HEXAGON 8, Catan —A media firestorm erupted this week as residents of Catan wrestled with their settler colonial past. 

It began with a statement made by Imogen Ore, president of the Daughters of the Settlement, in Town and Island Magazine. 

“My Great Grandfather founded the Red Cities and aren’t we lucky to have been given this land by God. Such beautiful land that we were able to cultivate piece by piece and call our own. It’s truly wonderful that we got here first.”

The United Catanian Indigenous Peoples’ Republic  (UCIPR), an organization aimed at taking back power for the indigenous peoples of Catan, held a press conference Monday to outline the history and aims of their struggle.

“When we came to Catan, thousands of turns ago, there was an abundance of wool, ore, wood, you name it. Enough for everybody,” stated UCIPR president Louie Pasture, painting a picture of an unspoiled Catan. “The land wasn’t broken up into 19 hexagons like it is today. No, it was one big hexagon and we could roam where we pleased. When the settlers arrived it’s like they were playing some sort of game to extract as many resources as possible, but this game has real world consequences. Now we are confined to the desert hexagon in the middle, where a robber is said to reside. This is no way to live.”

Conservative residents of Catan have shown no empathy towards the indigenous population. One such resident, Harold Brick did not mince words when reached for comment. 

“My grandfather built a brick empire in Catan. He improved the land. He made roads and cities, and started up a mounted police force. He and up to 3 others made Catan what it is today. Our side won and their side lost. They need to quit moping about it and get a job. I hear the sheep shearing business is booming this turn.” 

At press time, the robber remains at large.