REDMOND, Wash. — Software developers at Microsoft have launched a new AI assistant feature to Microsoft Teams that can process large quantities of data, restructure quarterly assessments, and effortlessly lay off half the company, sources have confirmed. 

“We’ve made the complicated process of offloading hundreds of employees as simple as a click of a button,” says lead software dev Eric Strombowski. “It’s like if Clippy were your entire HR department! Think of all the capital that will free up, and how many less emails you’ll have to send!”

The new update of Microsoft Teams will provide administrators access to the AI assistant, allowing them to terminate, expunge, and offer severance in an efficient and streamlined way.

“It used to be such a pain to get rid of entire departments, but this new feature takes all the hard work out of it,” says Deborah Lindell, an executive producer at Paramount. “And what’s even better is that we now don’t have to attribute the firing to one individual. If an AI decides you should be let go, there’s no bad blood, just blame it on science and numbers and stuff.”

During a trial run, participating game studios, podcast companies, and tech start-ups successfully laid off 60% of their workforce at only a marginal loss. 

“I built this company the old fashioned way, by begging people to support my KickStarter on social media. It’s not my fault I got overconfident and hired more people than I could handle,” said Nick Fulmer, CEO of indie game studio Dop3 Gam3s, which recently used Microsoft’s AI to shed half his company. “Laying people off used to leave such a bad taste in my mouth, but now I can tap the app on my phone and get back to the golf course, easy breezy!”

At press time, XBOX CEO Asha Sharma was seen gleefully laughing as she repeatedly tested the new function.