WASHINGTON – Sometimes a leap of faith just doesn’t work out, as Altaïr Ibn La’Ahad learned earlier this week, following an incident at the Great American State Fair. The assassin broke his neck after leaping from the top of the model Triumph Arch with no pile of hay or even a crowd to break his fall. Jeb Hatfield of Harrison, Arkansas was there to witness the accident.

“We were on our way to the Dr. Oz panel after getting a $23 turkey leg when this terrorist in a bathrobe dropped out of the sky,” Hatfield said, “I reckon he’s one of them vandals that turned the Lincoln Pool green.” 

Ibn-La’Ahad was heard saying “بدا القوسُ أكثرَ ارتفاعاً في الصور.” or “The arch appeared higher in the photos.” as he was being loaded into an ambulance. It’s unclear what the Mentor of the Levantine Brotherhood was doing in the D.C. area, or how he’s still alive after nearly 800 years.

Lacking other people to interview, we spoke with Jeb Hatfield again about the possibly failed assassination attempt.

“I got excited when I saw him at first. The way he was decked out in all white, I for sure thought he was one of my buddies who I stormed the Capital with, from back home. Then I got a look at his face and realized he wasn’t my buddy. He was a terrorist. Shame the fall didn’t kill him. When are these guys going to learn you can’t kill our glorious President?”

Ibn-La’Ahad was rushed to the hospital, no word on his condition was available at press time. Authorities say there is no further danger to all six fair attendees.