TREACHERY ISLAND — The most selfless, morally upright person you know is currently doing things in Tomodachi Life: Living the Dream that can only be described as ‘demonic’.

Vicky Waite, who would probably offer to die if you needed the donor organs that badly, boots up the game every night to wreak new havoc on her virtual island, which she has named ‘Treachery’ after Dante’s ninth circle of Hell. Waite claims that she is a “cosy gamer”, although the screams emanating from her Switch 2 would suggest otherwise.

Waite explained how she has made the Tomodachi Life experience her own. 

“I started by creating a few of my friends in the game, along with a few celebrities, but it got stale pretty quickly. So I made this guy called Bad Roger. Bad Roger has no eyes, owns a skeletal coyote called Fleshrot, and enters a week-long depression whenever I withhold food from him, which is often.”

Waite says that it’s not all bad for the residents of her virtual Black Land of which she resides as its one true Dark Lord.    

“I thought some companionship might help,” she stated calmly with no life behind her usually bright eyes. “So I picked Bad Roger up by the head and flung him down at the feet of Mii Annette Bening, who hated him on sight. After some heavy manipulation on my part, they got married and had a child, who thankfully has her mother’s eyes.”

Elsewhere in Waite’s realm of evil, residents, all clad in torn rags, are expected to work as newsreaders, shopkeepers and chefs, with their only recognition a fleeting head-rub from their cruel god. Miis who do not fall in line are punished with diets of spoiled milk, exiled to a remote island away from civilization, or visited by The Hunger, an immortal child with the voice of an adult man who floats instead of walking and visits them in their sleep.

At press time, Waite insisted nothing was wrong with the happenings of Treachery. “They’re fine!” she protested. “The participants in the Stanford Prison Experiment weren’t getting paid in warm fuzzies.”