MUSHROOM KINGDOM โ€“ After a tense stalemate late last night, Mushroom Kingdom police officers were successful in talking a suicidal Yoshi down from the roof of Peachโ€™s Castle, our sources confirm.ย 

โ€œHe was up there for ages, we were worried sick, Iโ€™m so happy someone finally put on that winged cap, got up there and talked some sense into him,โ€ said one onlooker from the castle grounds. โ€œIโ€™m just grateful my tax coins are going to programs that prioritize the well-being of the kingdomโ€™s citizens, and not more Bullet Bills.โ€

Yoshiโ€™s successful return to land came at the end of a long talk with Officer Toad about life, finances, and deep rooted depression that pushed the green dinosaur up that castle in the first place. 

โ€œI think heโ€™s experiencing what a lot of us are feeling in our own lives,โ€ said Police Chief Toad during a press conference earlier this morning. โ€œHe felt like he was being taken advantage of by someone always riding his back and never considering his feelings. Iโ€™m just glad we could get him the help he needs.โ€

This is only one instance of a concerning trend of mental health crises sweeping Mushroom Kingdom in the past few months. 

โ€œJust last week a baby Mario was abandoned on Yoshiโ€™s Island, and before that Isle Delfino was tormented by Bowser Jr. in a fit of rage over confusion on who his mother was,โ€ says Dr. Mario, the leading expert in criminal psychology and mental health. โ€œWe need our stagnant government to allocate resources to the correct revenues and stop supporting needless go-kart tournaments and tennis matches.โ€

At press time, bloodwork has revealed Yoshi was hallucinating on mushrooms and high on fire flowers during the rooftop standoff.



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