Well, look who came crawling back.

No, don’t take a seat. Mainly because I don’t think you deserve it, but also that chair is actually an embarrassing memory of high school, made manifest by your broken mind. I wouldn’t want you to subjugate yourself to that eternally damning moment. At least, not until I’m done criticizing you.

“At least I’m not living in Silent Hill.” I’ve had to listen to so many of you idiots spout this crap on the internet the past couple of decades. Yes, Silent Hill has internet now. Just because we make a hobby of resurrecting fallen Gods or subjecting unfortunate visitors to forgotten trauma through thinly veiled metaphor doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy the comforts of the twenty-first century.

But of course, we do oppose some elements of the modern landscape. For instance, our humble town has only had one instance of police brutality. Isolated to a single, poorly maintained merry-go-round. We also didn’t stuff the police budget at the cost of our premiere healthcare facilities, so that lunatic only managed to fire off a single clip.

We also fully understand the impact humans (and by that, of course we mean massive corporations) have had on the climate. You’ll note that the fine property available for purchase in our small town doesn’t require any kind of “climate insurance” (that probably wouldn’t pay out in the event of loss anyway). Sure, we have higher than average amounts of fog rolling in, but at least our town isn’t being consumed by wildfires.

“Oh, but what about Pyramid Head?” On and on it goes. Firstly, his name is Red Pyramid Thing. Get it right you disrespectful fuck. But also, if you have lived a pretty okay life up until this point, you’ll probably be fine. Not harboring any guilt? Not holding on to any repressed memories of that one time you incel-maxxed and killed your sick wife? Then you’ll do grand. He’s actually a really nice guy, so long as you’re not a seductive-looking mannequin.

We don’t even have any data centers here! And you’ve still got the nerve to bash us on BlueSky? Silent Hill might have started as a penal colony, but we’re a fucking paradise compared to the inside of an American prison.