COLD LAKE, Alberta — Today the RCMP finally put months of investigations to a close after connecting and charging Wolverine with the murder of eleven manicurists. Sergeant Tim Rogers confirmed the news earlier today during a press conference.

“It took us longer than we wanted it to, but we finally got the bastard,” Sergeant Rogers said before pausing the interview to harass unhoused citizens. “We probably should have been able to connect Wolverine to these murders way sooner considering the glaringly obvious dead giveaway of him being the only person in the world with 12-inch retractable claws, but our forces have been spread pretty thin lately.” 

Cyclops, one of Wolverine’s co-workers, could not contain his excitement after learning about Wolverine’s recent sentence. 

“Damn, I’m just ahhhh — I’m just so mad that Wolverine won’t be around anymore because he’s gonna be in jail for the rest of his life it’s just — argh it just makes me so mad” Cyclops said while repeatedly fist pumping the air. “He was such an amazing guy who always followed orders and it’s just such a shame to see him— I’m sorry I can’t do this anymore fuck that guy I’m fucking pumped that I won’t ever have to see him again. 

I finally get to be with Jean without that fuckass ever coming between us again. Also, I never have to deal with a clogged shower at the X-Mansion. God he was hairy. Which makes you think, isn’t it a little weird that the only body maintenance he was doing was for his nails? Throw a consistent shaving routine in there for God sakes.”

Later in the evening reporters caught up with Wolverine to get a comment on his arrest. 

“I feel terrible, bub” Wolverine said after swallowing an entire cigar. “I didn’t mean for anyone to get killed. I enjoy manicures. There’s just something about the release I get from them. Decades of anger and hate are just wiped away. I forget who I am for a minute, which results in me momentarily forgetting about the blades in my hands. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. Oh, those poor manicurists. I’m so sorry.”

At press time, 150 years were added onto Wolverine’s sentence after he accidentally killed six of his fellow inmates while giving them fist bumps.