INTERCOURSE, Pa. — This week’s tabletop session turned uncomfortably quiet when awkward nerd Shaun Biehn arrived with his new girlfriend in tow. The girl, Princess, stood wide-eyed and demure at Biehn’s side while he described a recent walk on a path in the woods.

“At the end of that path was a cabin, and there she was in the basement,” said Biehn, recounting how the couple had met, “we hit it off immediately since I live in a basement too. She’s great. She just wanted to tag along this week and watch the game.” 

Ken McCormick, game master of the group, was less than thrilled by the arrival of the newcomer. 

“It’s not that we don’t allow girls at the table, we have for years, and Shaun was right, she was quiet the whole time,” McCormick said, trying to sound diplomatic, “but it is kind of weird, right? How long was she in that basement? Who put her there? How has she survived?” 

Most of Biehn’s friends didn’t say anything more than a half-hearted greeting, but Chris Lee was a little more direct. 

“This is why you take the fucking blade with you. This isn’t going to end well. It never does.” 

When approached for comment, Princess wasn’t exactly forthcoming about her origins and provided at least two dozen conflicting stories of her and Biehn’s meet-cute.