KYOTO, Japan — Outrage has swept the Internet following the revelation that every single person who worked for Nintendo during its inception in 1889 has since left the company for reasons unknown.

“I was Nintendo’s biggest fan, back when they were good,” complained veteran Nintendo customer Matthew Jenkins. “The artwork, the quality of the card stock … nobody made better hanafuda cards in all of Meiji Japan. But after a while, they started making video games, and I knew something weird was going on. I looked into it, and it turns out Fusajiro Yamauchi, the original founder, is completely gone. Don’t know when or why, but he’s not at Nintendo anymore. None of the other old guys are there either. Just a bunch of weird new guys who like … I don’t know, video games. I bet they’ve never even played a proper game of Koi-Koi in their life.”

While most of the anger from fans has been directed at Nintendo’s new staff, others are quick to denounce the company’s founder.

“Fusajiro Yamauchi was a piece of shit, and Nintendo was only ever good despite him, not because of him,” said social media critic Bradley Frasnelli. “He never cared about creating good cards, he was just a sleazy businessman trying to make money off of casinos run by the yakuza. Now, you might think that since he sucked so much, I would like Nintendo more now that he’s gone. Wrong! See, the current President of Nintendo knew the President before him, who knew the one before him, and eventually you get to Fusajiro Yamauchi, so they’re basically the exact same guy as him. And all of Nintendo’s current employees know their boss, so they’re all him too. Anyway, the point is I sincerely hope they all die.”

Eventually, Nintendo’s existing employees had no choice but to address the growing controversy.

“Look, when I first joined Nintendo, I honestly didn’t know about any of this,” said Shigeru Miyamoto, one of the talentless hacks brought in to replace the company’s original employees. “I’m sorry that I’m not a 19th-century playing card manufacturer, but I was never trying to insult the people who came before me. Creating things makes me happy in a world with lots of reasons to be miserable, and even though Nintendo has its problems, through them I saw a platform to share my work with other people and maybe make them happy too. I know not everything I’ve done is gold, but there’s a lot of work I’ve done here that I’m honestly really proud of. There’s this one game I did about a plumber that I think is really … anyway, the point is, there are a lot of good, hard-working people out there genuinely trying to create something good. I can’t expect you to like everything you see, I know I don’t, but we can at least judge everybody’s work by its own merits instead of who they’re not. Please?”

At press time, Shigeru Miyamoto’s home address has begun to circulate on every major social media site as irate fans of the original Nintendo plan their attack.