Hey, you!

Yes, you!

The gamer looking for a nice, quiet way to spend a few evenings out of your hectic week with a video game that can help you unwind while keeping your hands busy!

HAVE I GOT NEWS FOR YOU! The Story of Seasons has been written, read, and fucking BURNED! Stardew Valley is flooded with JojaMart merch! Coral Island sunk beneath the weight of all that sexual tension!! Because this Sunday, at the local indoor arena, between the tattoo convention, the gun show, and the AVN awards, we’re pitting the two young, up-and-coming future titans of the genre against each other, and only ONE OF THEM WILL BE WALKING AWAY!!

Will it be the Armenian newcomer ReSTORY?! The gentle game about electronics repair simulating REAL, ACTUAL, SIMULATED devices for your perusal, enjoyment, disassembly and ULTIMATE REASSEMBLY TO ACQUIRE MONEY AND PARTICIPATE IN CAPITALISM all set against the backdrop of the bucolic year 2000, before LITERALLY ANYTHING BAD EVER HAPPENED ANYWHERE AND EVERYONE WAS SO MUCH HAPPIER!?

Or the challenger from the Mean Streets of Chicago: the trendsetting game with the pixels that are BUSTIN’ OUT all over Steam reviews, courting controversy wherever they go and requiring all new, all hilarious warnings on digital storefronts that also sell AI-stolen hardcore pornography!?!? Can you contain your throbbing, biological urges long enough to start a farm out of time and space in the one, the only: FIELDS OF MISTRIA!?!?

You’ll pay for an entire sofa, but YOU’LL ONLY NEED ONE SMALL PART OF IT, because, c’mon, you’ve only got like a couple of hours free every day, YOU COULDN’T POSSIBLY SIT STILL FOR LONGER!! And that’s not all, the first 200 fans through the door get a FREE THERMOS OF CHAMOMILE TEA!!! Relax and unwind after a long day of being digested by the uncaring machine THAT YOUR PARENTS SET UP TO TRAP YOU and feel guilty for daring to relax for even a nanosecond while living in ACTUAL HELLWORLD!!! And then slowly realize that maybe a little less phone time and social media might actually help you panic less!

OR BECOME A GATEKEEPING WEIRDO, TRYING TO BULLY PEOPLE OUT OF A SPACE THAT LITERALLY EXISTS TO ENCOURAGE COMMUNITY BUILDING AND PURSUING SPECIAL HOBBIES AND INTERESTS!!!

YOU DECIDE THIS SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!!!

Or, you know, just buy both whenever, and play them at your own leisure, it’s not like they’re going anywhere.

And chamomile tea is readily available in most grocery stores or specialty shops.